why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
