dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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