so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
