I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
