I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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