my phone needs a breathalizer
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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