I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
