So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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