Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
