So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize