Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
