I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
