i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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