so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
