He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
