Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
