i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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