so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
