I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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