WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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