I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize