Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
