im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My dick has a subreddit
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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