What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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