she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
