I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have fence marks all over my body
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
