Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
