Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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