apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this just has baby written all over it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
