Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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