im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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