9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ladies don't puke and tell
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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