I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
