I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
