Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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