I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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