When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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