I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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