Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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