I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
