i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize