First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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