I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
