i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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