My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
