It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
