Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
