piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
