Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
