I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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