Sponge bath it is.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize