She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
