I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
