It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
