You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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