all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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