I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
