every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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