tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
