Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize