In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
