Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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