Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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