how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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