I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
