girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
vagina is talking i cant
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
