Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
