I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
