hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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