I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize