I want to walk on stilts...naked
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
