Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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