Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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