I'm gonna have a badass scar
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
