did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
