I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
