I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
