Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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